Lost

Okay, i know i did mention in the previous blogpost that i'm going to post something frustrating titled "Religious? Perhaps morally corrupted.". However, as there is really something going on in my mind now, which i can't call it an off and it is equally frustrating, i choose to write it out; to sorta see whether i eventually understand myself or no. Strike something to ya?

Ah, yes, just who am i?

Yea, i'm lost; for the first time in my entire soon-to-be 23 years of life.

Since young, i have been one that think a lot. Why the stars shine? Why the waves strike the beach with white fluffy scene? Everything that happens in my surrounding, always, has a reason of my own. Eventually that lead me to have the initiative in everything that i do to find out, to search out the reasons behind, the facts that cause those i see stand. Entering puberty, my mind pretty much locks up to a reason-answer or cause-effect mindset where everything comes with a reasonable and logical "why". Note that i'm quite different that others where reasonable and logical are following the society norm in every way it can be; instead, my terms of "reasonable" and "logical" pretty much stems from the mindset of everything. 

Reasonable and Logical?

That kid that ran away from home? My mindset will tell you to not just look at the apparent reason of "immature", "rebellious" or "not-understanding" of that kid. In fact, i will tell you to look at his parents, to look at the teachers and to look at his friends. Some radical actions will not just simply happen; they always stems from  a long period of denial, nonacceptance or ignorance. In another point of view, that kid just want to attract your attention. Yet, he is also finding for a breather, to get out of the miserable loop that he has been clinging on to. 

Is it everything has a concrete answer?

That is how my mind works in pretty much everything. I can look up both the terms of "pros" and "cons" of a given topic of debate and eventually depends on my mood that i choose a side to defense of. That to be said, if i eventually choose the another side, my point of views, normally, will still be as concrete as it can be as compared to my original stand. That's to say, i will not have the occurrence of "no answer" because everything that i do and think, after all, has an answer. Pretty much the reason why i can further my study into the molecular knowledge of Chemistry which do not just require one to understand it literally, but also to understand it from the inside out.

Yes, i don't know.

Well, there are, of course, times that i eventually do not understand that particular topics or knowledge that it is literally "zero" in my brain; for instance Physics, Add. Mathematics, Automobiles, Technologies and stuffs. If i were asked with questions regarding those, of course i will be plain and honest to tell you: "I don't know.". However, the phrase "i don't know" itself is ambiguous. One, it simply means i do not understand whatever that is in discussion. Second, it also interprets as because i don't give a shit about it so i don't, eventually, give myself a chance to look up about the subjects and understand it. Ring your bell? Yes, it means it eventually could be understood, given opportunity and chances. Look up the documentary of Newton, you can get a whole literature explanation and origin of Laws of Physics. Look up the literature of da Vinci, you will be expose to the fact where everything in this world is governed by a simple math; the Golden Ratio. Hit on the TV Channel of car racing, you eventually notice that the cars of F1 racing is a streamline built to reduce the air friction. Search for the word "APPLE" and googles tell you that the founder of APPLE MAC, Steve Jobs, is way more important than the Africa's dying children; just a fact. In a nutshell, what i have been trying to say is, everything eventually can have answer, it just up to us to choose to be exposed or no. 

just why?

So what am i trying to say here? In my entire 22 years of life, i can say i understand myself very well. Why i'm off mood? Why i'm eating non-stop? Why i'm jolly happy all around? Everything could be explained. Up to a certain understanding and maturity that i can share my thinking to those who come for me to seek their answers for their confusion. Yea, a non-licensed counselor. So be it. I always thought i know myself well, where i'm going, what i'm doing, who i'm looking. Yet, things get tricky down the last six months of 2011.

Just a plain friendship... i hope?

There's this person A, who eventually caught my eyes in the start of the semester. A, well, is not really a person who i'm looking for. Yet, the feelings just seem right and eventually i got near to A; thanks to the help of just one friend. And of course things get smooth and nothing happened. Identified the impossibilities, i slowly let go of A in my part of mind, and we eventually become just friends. Badminton together, breakfast together and soon, A is out of my mind. Well, its not even a L words yet so don't call me playboy. 

is that really what i thought?

Then here comes person B roughly after two months, which entirely broke the whole rules of my life. B is no way the same in anyone that i have met, because physiologically, its different. Its the first time i become talkative, its the first time i become stupid, its the first time i become unaware of what i have been doing. Eventually i try to pick up my ways around B, but i got tired, for no reason. I just get tired. Impacted with the examination stress, i shut off the "feelings and relationships" section of my brain. I still thinking of B here and there, but somehow i just couldn't get my mind set right on what do i actually have for B. And after the exam ended, i found myself to actually have B out of my mind already. That't good, right? I mean, since i don't have an answer for B, the main source of confusion for now, its best to simply just forgo it. However, i can't get over the fact that i'm still noticing the Facebook updates of B; after all. The main question is "What do i actually have for B?" and "What does B actually mean for me?"

just trust it next time.

I should have seen it coming, that having breakfast on that morning was not really a good idea. Literally, i was just going to have breakfast with my Boss and his girl. However, since A, after all, is a part of us. It just came naturally to our mind that we invited A all along, some more its not the first time we did. However, there is always what we said a hunch that things will not really turn right. Just wondering why. A has always been having the same kind of personalities i have reflected outside. Shy, quite, calm around people yet comes with own maturity and sharpness. We are almost the same. So the first time to have breakfast with him, it did not really surprise me that he reserved a bit, but eventually cracked up under the influence of Boss. 

Is that really what you do?

Second time? Its not really what i expected. The moment i sat down on the table, i could not stop thinking of what A is really up to. A talked a lot that day, tried in every way to ensure that i'm well served ( we were having dim sum), food drinks you name it, eventually its just full in my plate and cup. Its also the first time that A simply ignored everyone to just talk to me. A never did that, because i am not even considered closer in friendship as compared to the others. Well, of course that's not really got me thinking. What most important is, A asked me about TF. I have known for quite a long time that both A and TF are closed friends, but i never thought A will eventually bring up TF as i'm quite sure TF will not want to talk about me. The whole point about TF is just wrong in every way it can be, though we remains as hi-bye friends for now. Struck by the sudden question of A, my mind countered by beating the bush around to another topic; though what i really wanted to ask is, "How you know about that?" There are things that i tried to keep away from A to ensure that our friendships remains, as i do not see myself having anything more than that; friends that can breakfast and badminton together is equally satisfied. But, if A can bring up that question, the most fear thought would be, "what have TF told A about me?" and eventually with that "What have A known about me?" 

A "black and white" that never has an answer.

By the time i am typing this up, the questions that i posted have been around in my mind so much that i can't even voice it out anymore. A literature writing like this couldn't really express my thoughts and feelings out; equally means that i have failed to understand myself. Everyday the moment i wake up, i will eventually thought about A first. However, the moment also comes to flare up myself with "why do i still care of B". Round and round it goes in my mind, until the day that both of them stepped up the airplane to fly back to their hometown, i have always thought that i will eventually send a message to B, since A has always been out of the equation for a long time. At the end of the day, i found out that the message was sent to A instead, subconsciously. I have always thought that i will miss B but not A, i mean after all A is already certified long ago. However, i found out that i'm waiting for the messages from A more than B, in fact. Yet, i couldn't still get over the facts that what i actually have felt with B the days i spent with B. 

Hell yea, no answer at all.

So, together with A and B, as uncommon and different as they are, stir up my rational and logical thoughts of mine. For the first time of my life, i have lost myself and i have no answers for everything about A and B.

3rd Semester: To Hell with It

Finally, the exam is over; actually it was over few days ago but all that i managed to get myself into was excessive gaming (talk about Assassin Creed Brotherhood :D) and extensively drama-burning (laid my hands on a hot hunks-filled, adrenaline-boosted, dinosaur elemental Terra Nova; speak of dino roaring?), and not to mention midnight reading Jodi Picoult's "The Pact"; even my boss aka Mr. Lim surrendered just to the cover of the book, LOLed. Now, titled "To Hell With It", pretty much explained that this semester was not really that thrilling and exciting. Though to some point there were things that made up the memories of 3rd Semester; some that even stays intact up until now and i don't see the reason that the bonded friendship will fade in any sooner. 

Yes!!! 

Well, unless im being a jerk to actually not travel over to West Msia since that friend of mine, and his girlfriend, pretty much invited me for endless times already. Named him Boss :D We both have the same surname, Chung, and funny enough we are born on the same year, same month, just im one day older and he is one day younger; now that's something. Couldn't believe that my senior actually is just one day younger than me? We are both the members of the student council of my faculty; he was the Treasurer, and i was just a mere Vice Lead of my course. Though situation reverses that im the new president, and he happily retired; best joke always is "don't get yourself sign up for my batch of leading, Boss, else we are graduating together. haha!" We became fast friends through those school projects, both of us filled each other in with what each other's lack off. 

Oh Yes, Boss and his Lady likes cats alot!

He is good in maths, im not. I'm with my leadership charm (as he said, don't ask me), he with his quick thinking. So end up we became Tag Team in almost every projects we ran, cool huh? In one the first projects we done together, there is another guy, who is Boss's friend at first, become fast friend too. Fate plays her role, end up this guy, is born 5 days younger than me, 4 days younger than Boss, and surprisingly, he has a name Chung in the middle, though he is not sur-named Chung. :D Anyhow, this guy, which both Boss and I nicked him Mr. Powerful, is because he is really powerful in everything as long as he wants to; badminton, logistic, talking, and even leading. And his badminton skills, wow! And of course is Boss's mdm, well, with her, i learn alot just to ace my leadership skills though :D These three people, are those that left something bright and colorful in my 3rd semester. Treasure it, of course. Maintain it, sure do.

Oh this includes R.S., E.A, A.Y, though. :D

This semester, academic wise, i really learnt alot, from the concept of Physical Chemistry II, i finally got the chance to learn something that i have always wanted to learn on; Pure Chemistry. It really is hard, for the fact that im bad in Physics and Maths, but PCII makes me see the whole world differently. Defining spontaneous and non-spontaneous reactions are just something different than usual; whoever have thought that Melting and Freezing are BOTH spontaneous? Well, in another sense, Freezing IS a spontaneous reaction, provided certain conditions are met though. And then PCII discussed the location, behavior of the atoms and electrons MICROSCALELY. Wow, didnt even expect myself to remember all these though. Another sense would be Organic Chemistry II, which explains the needs of industrial knowledge on OC field that how to produce a certain compound from a just-not-related-at-all  compound. Its cool, especially for those who intend to pursuit medical fields, but not for me though. Though i pretty much suffered this semester for this subject, but eventually aced it pretty well instead. 

Wonder if i become such cool huh?

Wonder why? My basics are too strong from tuitioning. LOLed. Another subject to be mentioned would be Materials Sciences; supposely Nano Materials but the lecturer changes it to suit the current trend, we learnt ceramic, composite, metal alloy, microscopes, solid fractures and alot in this subject that i thought im an engineer though. Well in another words, i do after all. This subject is really interesting as it goes, and guess what, the one that stressed me to the max in my entire study life of more than 15 years is this subject; two days straight i couldn't sleep even though i was mentally and physically exhausted. I reluctantly forced myself to sleep for two hours before the exam just to get a clearer mind; and ended up the questions are far more easy than i thought. Tsk, but worth it. Other subjects are just a fair deal, normal; expecting normal. 

Permanent Head Damage, Anyone?

Friendship wise, other than the Trio i mentioned up there, seriously this whole semester my relationship web is tested to the maximum that i hold myself into my cocoon, once again. Seriously, for those who know me well, i listen to just everything you say without any doubts. I can put up my fists and minds just to save you from being killed in any sense that you don't want. I can outbreak whatever laws that hold me from being a good citizen just to get there the moment you called me for help (although i sometimes am late?). I can also offer anything that i have should you simply ask me for it. But that, i can't do no more. After all im not a puppet, i don't have a string attached to me by Francis the Puppeteer in MapleStory that i don't have feelings. From horoschope view, im a Libra; a goddamn SCALE. When i weigh myself a fifty for you, not necessarily that you have to weigh me back a fifty, less than that im still fine with it. Guess what, i can even give you a 200% and just expecting you to give me a 100% as return. ALL THESE, are true, as long as i SEE you as a genuine friend. Well, to say, you are not going to get all that when i officially declared that you are an "outcast" in my social web; i don't even freaking mind that im the lone alpha wolf in the end of the world you know? 

Hell yea

I don't need you to actually survive, and heck i can survive even without you. Yes, i might lose something like i cant go badminton streak now as i don't have a partner to do anymore. Yes i might not have someone to have an intelligence discussion (debate?) as before but who cares as long as i can get it right in the end? Oh, i forgot that for all the reasons in the world, you all need me more than i need you all. No im not being an egoistic dude here ranting like nobody business. I have a car, everybody says "hi". I got a dean listed, everybody saying "can you help me?". Oh well, what happens when i need help? and that help is such tiny and little that it simply just does't eat up whatever you have in your hands that show that you aced over me? Seriously i have never wanted to challenge anyone. For what that i challenge anyone when the biggest rival is myself? So academic wise, leadership wise, everything; i battle against myself more than anyone of you as i see myself as the loser that going to make me fall than anyone of you. But i just couldn't understand that you have to make me your opponent, and ended up screwing yourself up at the end of the day. 

Oh yes, getting stabbed like nobody business.

i can befriend anyone in my life, seriously i don't reject anyone kindness at first, but i reject you whenever you overstep yourself into my defense limit. Please be remembered that people have feelings, even a strong man like me has the softest part in the world that you never actually see before. But to hell that why, of all the reasons, i can see your soft and weak spots shouting all over your bodies and i did my best to not hurt you in any sense that you are always protected; YET you can't look back when you are proceeding with whatever plans steps aims that you have, you already killed me endless times with your words and actions. In this whole semester, there are no "actions speak louder than words", nor there are "one picture shows it all", there are only "double edging swords from the written and the spoken". And sorry, im not a saint. When i am wholly disappointed by you, that's the end of it. Coldness, avoidance; that's what you will get from me. If you realize that you got all that, please DON'T snap back ME for rejecting you, might as well judge yourself first that why I REJECT YOU. 

Now even you said something nice, it needs years to just get it right again i told you.

Fuhh, such a long one. It will be followed up by another blog post which i have already pre-drafted in mind as "Religious? Perhaps Morally Corrupted." Pretty much why i said this semester is a to Hell with it huh? Something light, finally im graduating from my brassband unit after this semester! However, as opposed to the other units, we don't have a ceremony or certification giving day that we just simply, you know, DONE with it. Sad. Yet, i have fun in this unit that i learnt a great deal about musics and songs and yes, im already missing the days of practicing and not to mention performing! The rounds and rounds of applause. You can't get enough of it!

What else huh? There are after all a lot to say, but i think i will leave them all for other posts. Else readers might already killing me for typing out such a long one. I know one will, LOL!

Buena Suerte A Todo El Mundo!

p/s: oh yes, im a Spanish Level II. :D and WESTLIFE rocks!

Pushing to the limit

Im in two weeks time and my exam is over. Not really intend to update the bloggie now but i just have to "release" my tension here. Will post up a full review of it but for now let me say:" FUCK YOU! "

On The Way To Certification

Now, don't get me wrong; I'm not graduating yet!

The certification here, literally meant R.I.P.

So what happens when a patient or a dying left the world? The doc will say:" Patient XXX is certified at ...." something like that; so yea, im definitely in the bandwagon too. Not literally dying anyway, but confirm dying in my midterm!

Less than 2 hours will be the hardest midterm i ever encounter so far, why? Totally no idea what have i studied and done in the exercise. Sux lecturer, attended the class with 0% of absorption, seriously nothing good come out of this subject.

I really really want to do good in this subject, most probably because it is the subject that is closest to my initial aim of study field, pure chemistry. Duh, but getting a lecturer such as this one that only know how to say :"ini aku pun tak tau, kamu baca je la~" literally meant i'm KOed ever since the start of this sem. Learning it by myself takes extra effort like x N times since i'm weak in Physics and Mathematics after all. Sux man~!

Anyhow, be welcome to the certification of death in just these two hours!

p/s: i only had 1 1/2 hours of sleep last night! T.T

So Far, So Good.

21 November 2011

1.01 p.m.

Foyer of my faculty

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So far? So good.

That's the only thing i can tell, if anyone that is going to ask me how am i doing in this brand new 3rd semester of my degree. Really, the good should be replaced by "good" instead; its called barely surviving! 9 weeks of no movie, seriously, this is slowly killing me, inch by inch, day by day, there was a time that i had to take a break from everything that i was handling and went off to a 24 hours of no-work-no-study day off; and trust me that one 24 hours of only gaming, nice food, and pool game is just what i need right now again!

As a short summary, i had run like three projects ever since the first week. Among them, two were considered the big big events; Family Day SST 2011 and Carnival Science SST 2011. For both the events i held the position of the vice project leader, while the another one was the Hari Kemerdekaan SST 2011, where i was the Head of Technical. Out of these three events, the first two pretty much burnt my energy, willpower, wits, wisdom, strength, simply just everything of me to ash. Luckily i was supported by few friends, especially my Boss and Mr Powerful, which seriously saved my arse especially in the FDSST, else i'm pretty sure i have a blacklisted memo in the resume of UMS student profile.

Academic wise, i'm not sure whether i am actually learning or no, everyday and every week i'm just trying to catch up with the modules, notes and syllabus that i don't feel like learning anything. Tomorrow's the test, read it the night before, and re-vomited out from my body right after the test. Not to mention that i got a professor that seriously has a PhD and "PhD" (Permanent Head Damage) where unleashing her fierce attack on us is just a plain thing happening every lesson every week; thinking of that, i'm having her tutorial class tomorrow and just a thought of that is enough to send me a shiver because she will say "If you can't even understand this, don't say that you are a chemistry student!" Writing assignments and doing those stupid lab reports are another thing that almost drained me out. Especially organic chemistry that requires additional study of tonnes and tonnes of work, seriously, its called dying.

In addition, i also got a pretty don't-know-how-to-say lecturer for my Physical Chemistry II, which is the new Head Program of my course. He has a PhD too, but i'm not sure what exactly is wrong with him because he will be saying "aiya, ini saya pun tak pandai, kamu baca sendiri la". Seriously, having such a lecturer, i can fully utilize the time to study other subjects during his class, but i am sure to flunk his one though. Other than that, i got my most-most-most wanted to attend-type professor, which is Dr. S in who he is the one teaching Material Sciences and Inorganic Chemistry; oh yea, finally meet the potential supervisor of my in-planning FYP! On the other hand, Spanish is still the same old deal, learning in her class is great but without a good energy i'm pretty much half dying; luckily i'm still surviving with high bar in her class though. Examen? Yea, i'm dying. None of the exams i had get through i actually have no idea how will it turn out. Just hope that things would be fine though.

As for relationship and friendship, friendship wise i'm glad that i'm given the opportunity to be one of the Pembimbing Suai Mesra, in which i befriend like don't know how many seniors, same batches, and juniors! Especially that special someone that appears in my semester start, that seriously means a lot to me! even though nothing happens at the end but yeah, at least i had fun enjoying the moments with you. furthermore, i have lotsa and lotsa of eye candies this semester start, hahahah, mostly from the juniors, :P Just attended the course night last Saturday and it turned out to be such a blast despite of having so many miscommunication before the events; not to bluff but without my assistance the organizer team will have suffered a lot more than that. Hmmm, how to say ah? Lack of mature planning, mis-communication here and there, too high of expectation and more to come; still i'm glad that with that few minutes of mine is able to change a little bit of the ending. hahaha~ and i'm so so so so so glad that i get closed to all the juniors within this event! hahahahahah~ Not to mention i got seriously Senor from Penang that happens to help me strive through several hardships ever since we chatted; i know you are currently having a big time issue with your life over there but i hope you can make it through! MBA, rock it!

alrite, at the 1.30pm, in another 30more minutes i will need to attend the lab again, duh, such tiring. Guess 3 hours of sleep last night is seriously not a good thing to be repeated daily. Oh ya, the election of the Student Council of SST is just around the corner! By next Wednesday i will have to dress up all again and stand out in public to promote myself again, duh >.< repeating the same deal of last last semester. Still, with one of the major competitors removed himself from the election, and also another of the potential removed himself, originally 12 candidates are down to 10 candidates, and out of them only around 4 are the 2nd year while only around 2 are the really experienced one; where am i situated? Guess it then, :P

Okay, signing off at now, and hope my headache fades away~