At Least An Answer

Things been going wild and crazy lately, with all the midterms, quizes settled, the upcoming major matter will be my final term. Seeing that final term is coming only the next two weeks, it is abit of worry since i haven't really finished any revision for any one of my subjects. That would mean, sux.


Still, with my Libra scale unbalance ever since few weeks ago, pretty much nothing could be settled or tackled ever since then. Blame us, the Libras. For always being indecisive, demanding for reason, asking for answer, and just too stupid while foolish to the max, i lost myself back then, within that two particular weeks.


Everything was just so real, so intense, so amazing for the first week. Yet, things got into a 180 degree turnover that this person was like completely vanished from my life. I even had to doubt that whether i actually saw this person in real, and actually talked with this person or not. All that left for me are name, memories, and busted feelings. There are no traces that left behind for me to follow up, except a phone number that could never be reached. All the times i called the calls were diverted to voice mail operator.


Tried as i might to forget, to let go, to pretend that i don't care, yet things are uneasy especially when all of my friends, family, buddies are gone in the night, when i laid on my bed and my mind started to think, i can't deny, i can't avoid, it is very inevitable that i am missing this person. Everytime when i had the thoughts of giving up, phrases from my friends just kept ringing on my mind.

"If this person meant so much to you, why give up so earlier instead of waiting?"

"Its not the question of worth or not worth, its the question of how you feel."

"Ask yourself, do you really want to let go? No, then keep going."

"Why give up only for the first few times? Can't believe you are such weak-minded."

Then all most for all of the times, when i really felt like letting go, the song that always came out from the radio when i switched it on, was the main theme song from Glee.

"Don't stop, believing. Hold on to the feeling."

All these phrases kept me going, until last night.


The feelings that are weaker and weaker, the feelings that just simply overrun by the tiredness that i felt everyday, with all those unthroughable calls, i finally made up the decision to give up. Even though the song of Glee didn't move me this time, and how irony it could be that the song just came in right before i made the decision, but i was not moved. I called up my sis, to talk to her about the matter. She responded that since it was the last resolution already, might as well gamble the last luck or the last path that i had. Now or Never, Once and For all. That was what i was thinking and i decided to follow up what my sis suggested. Another friend called and i told him the matter and he was not really supported the idea but he said he will support me if i were to choose to gamble the last path. Since i bet my life on this gamble, i said the outcome surely was negative, without any doubts on it.


As if i was not fooled enough, fate and destiny played Thier roles in such a way that everything turned out, crazy and wild. The outcome simply came right after 30minutes and it was positive. All that i can scream off was "what the hell?" and "what the F_ _ K?!!" I really do not understand this person at all! Things just simply weird and crazy.


Still, as my heart and my mind were partially dead, i simply just treated things more naturally and let the current flows; and float along with it. Then, life showed the unexpectation again where this person reappeared in my life, simply just appeared in my sight. Nothing could be said, so i just acted naturally and normally.

At last i finally found an answer that this person is not actually meant for me. That things could not have been in the way i felt. Since that was the case, that will mean a close file.

So long, for this real, intense, yet confused and miserable 10 days.

Heart and Mind; Not Functioning Well

why my heart is eager for the answer,

yet my mind is urging myself to wait?

i can see the future this time,

yet my conscious is doubting the facts.

They say,

Seeing is Deceiving,

Believing is Dreaming.

Can i see and believe in my dream while not be deceived?

They say,

When you found the dreamt one,

You will not let go,

forever and ever.

And i am now doubting,

should i or should i not.

Miserable Day

Today, practically like the title sounded, was a miserable day. Pretty much throughout the whole day i was being miserably, and endless "sigh" followed.

Started with a great windy gloomy day, of course, wouldn't really expect how things could be just few hours from the time i woke up. Went to university and attended the Fundamental Physics tutorial. Out of the three tutorials that we attended, this one is really the one that i am most happy with, at least we are really learning, not simply attending for the sake of attendance. Had a great time learning F=ma with the tutor, then went for a presentation of one of the soft skills lesson, Work Ethics for Professionals. I was really nervous since i got to rush the 15mins of presentation, cant really drag any points on the slide but kept on tapping the next button. If it were solo presentation i wont be that scare since i pretty much know how to control myself, not with 5 more persons though. So, cooperation and speed talking played the important roles here, and luckily we made it just 30seconds passed 15mins, and lecturer commented that he was impressed, phew~~ So far, still had a great feeling as the lecturer dismissed us as usual and that meant i got the 20mins probability luck gambling increase to 1 hour. Great.

But i was wrong in grambling this one hour, which in the end extended to 1 and a half hour. 90minutes wasted on something that i should not have even started. First trail for my miserably mood, whereby fruitless outcome of the grambling seriously triggered the miserably mood, which in the end i commented to myself:" Life happens when you least expected it. And when you do, only misery follows." How realistic is this.

As if the one and a half hour of lost probibility grambling was not enough, i attended the Organic Chemistry tutorial, which by all means i seriously dont like it. The tutor made fun of me that i got the highest mark for Test 2 and aced it. Thought it as a mood lifter since the shadow casted by the 90mins lost grambling was heavy enough, in return, its just another prank on me. I got 52/100 instead of the A. The real factor that triggered my whole miserable mood. Really unexpected, somehow felt like the dreams of flatting are away...

Called the presiden of my faculty's student council, consulted him in the decision making of joining the Higher Board of the Student Council or not, since yesterday when confronting one of the Vice. Dean actually turned out to be another miserably experience, somehow i doubted my strength and lost of my confidence. My presiden didnt really said much but straight to one point only:" Why you have to care of others comment? You just have to be true to yourself and prove yourself." That... somehow made up my mind, but still i called a friend to talk about the feelings i was dealing with.

Luckily have this friend though, you know who you are :), that i found out i lost two natural abilities over the years of struggling, which are the positive attitude and the driving motivation force. The facts that i already lost these abilities were just so inavoidable, and i actually remembered the feelings with these two abilities with me. So while talking to my friend, i actually regained the confidence and the adventurous feeling came back. The defeated feeling gone right after that, and i walked up to my presiden, gave him the application form, and spoke to him, "Sorry for just now, actually the decisions have already been made in my heart. Its just the emotions mixed up the things. I think I do know what i really want." and i left. All these while, my presiden just expressing an impressed facial expression.

As i walked back, the only two statements were in my mind by my friend were:" If i am ever going to let go of something, let go completely and do not regret over it after that." and "If there is ever a chance for you to be someone that you wanted to be, why not grab it before letting it go? Chance doesnt really appear all the time." So, yea, miserable feelings gone and i went back up to the library and started typing my assignment. The mood lifted abit and finally i put someone aside in my heart as my heart telling me that :" That person might be the one and only one, but that person is also one of the only one in your life."

Almost evening, and i had english test later at 7pm, originally ordered takeaway from outside, but since my time was rushing i decided to join my another friend that heading to the library cafe for dinner. Remember i said "Life happens only when you least expected it."? This is seriously true because just when i dropped my bags and wanted to order food, there fates just showed their blessing on me. The only sentence that was in my mind was:" How coicident could this be? Really least expecting it, huh?" And it turned out that this small little unexpected event actually, was what i really wanted to have today and of course lifted the heavy mood, if only the miracle-bringer knows bout the truth.

How much phrases have it been? Don't count it, and don't expect it. It will just flow to you.

Mind, started to go blank

How long has it been?

I don't even know,

It feel so long and long that my life suddenly has color.

It felt like in the grey zone of my eye's vision, i finally see color.

And,

my tongue get stuck,

with,

my mind starts to go blank.

FInally done 1 mid-term!

Yeah~ Finally i done one mid term which is the creative thinking and writing. Speaking of this mid term, it is a drama, where we have to present for minimum 10 mins, we did a drama of P.Ramlee about the cobaan thinggie, as a penghargaan to P. Ramlee being the most reknown and famous drama player, script writer and presenter. Well, at first, the feeling is just not that, cuz we never practice until yesterday, we didnt do the props needed until yesterday, no communication and teamwork occured between the members, everything was just complex, complicated and blurred. But still, since i myself is the one that suggest the time, 4-7pm yesterday as last practice straight till the start of class, i terpaksa lah have to go the practice somemore i am the watak utama, P.Ramlee ==!.

Well forget all the sad things, the feeling rose and the teamwork is just there. Specifically because of a ketam that we all have fun when practicing, with that spirit we brought into the presentation. Everything went out quite well except the technical problem of song, but still its bearable as everyone was spontaneous enough (luckily myself took drama before).

And it turned out that we got 23/30!!! ^^v gosh, so happy with this value since we didnt do much preparation at all, somemore i heard that the other groups didnt get much attention from her!!! ^^v yeah~

So upcoming, gotta focus in my two mid terms, Physical Chemistry and Organic Chemistry. Errr... Isnt it tomorrow got test on English Research for Purpose??? And oh, the exam time table is out!!!

+ Organic Chemistry 9/11 9-12pm Dewan Canselor
+ Fundamental Physics 18/11 9-12pm DKP A1
+ Physical Chemistry 19/11 9-12pm DKP 7

Woah~~ Everything just so packed~~ Each week has a major subject oh!!!! That lagi excluding PPIB, if counted in eh??? ==!

bok bok bok, duda lapok~

Tired~

Been abandoned my blog for quite sometime, gotta use some update here to make it, err, not that much boring!!!

Finally, the recycle campaign of my faculty/school is done!!! hooray~~~ was kinda tired with this campaign, well being a protocol unit is not that much tired anyway, nothing much to do other than preparing speeches for the director of the campaign, the penolong pendaftar HEP of my school, and most importantly, the Dean of my school!!! ^^v but, he said:" i have the habit of not using the speech readied, so i will just speak like i usually did." which my eyes open wide @_@ and wtf! Nevertheless, i still learnt alot through this campaign especially during the preparation of ending ceremony, can't believe the arrangement of the chairs actually meant something different when its VIP! and even ushering has the first-second step! wow! really protocol unit learns bout that!

Other than that, all i can say is tired and tiring and tire soon! Coming up is two mid terms, on both Thursday and Friday, its Organic Chem and Physical Chem respectively. Many tutorials havent been done, fundamental physics still in Chap 1 even though final term is 8 chapters, tomorrow has a mid term drama presentation, which no practice is officialy done so far. Everything is just not ready! haih~

there is going to be a SST Pilihanraya soon, ask my senior to get two forms, both EXCO and Majlis Tertinggi, wonder which one will be the one i am going to join for eh???

gotta run and study~